The Road to Acceptance is the same road to Joy

The hardest thing about doing this leadership trilogy is the introspection. It’s the coming to terms with the realities of the world you’ve built. For months now, I wondered if I was bipolar cause there were manic days and depressive days but I was always high functioning and every google checklist I did said I wasn’t one.

Today though, I realized something very important on how I have been able to keep myself “happy”. I always knew that I was grateful and that I chose to look at life as glass half-full. I tried hard not to because there are people who have bigger problems than me. But this gratefulness is also my problem because when confronted with a situation that made me unhappy or made me uncomfortable, I will choose a flight response and I would rationalize that feeling sad is being ungrateful.

Fast forward to today, I have made so many choices that I made myself as the last priority. I have trained people to take me for granted. I have agreed to things that made others happy even if it didn’t sit well with me. I’ve become a person who needed validation. And I apologize for almost everything — perceived or real.

Why? Because I simply wanted love. I believe that love should always be reciprocal — you get what you give. So in the hopes of getting the love I want back, I give all that I have to give.

This definitely stems from my feelings of unworthiness. That no one can love me for just being me. But I realize how that is the farthest from the truth, the first person that needs to love me for me should be ME!!! How dumb of me to just get this now and I feel like laughing because I have shed a million tears over begging for love when I have so much of it to give and I only needed to decide to give it to myself first.

And you know what? This is all on me.

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