Paints & Mess

Friday night, since Lance has to attend a seminar, I decided to plan a loving activity with Sydney instead. I bought tile art and washable finger paints. I was quite excited and I was playing a hundred possible reactions in my head.

As we were finishing call centre at home, I started getting Sydney prepped for our painting activity. I gave her the paints first and I told her there was still a unicorn art set but I couldn’t figure out where I put it, she immediately helped me to look for it. When we finally had both sets and I started setting up the table, I could see pure joy in her eyes and she expressed her delight with squeals. She was literally “gigil” and was shouting “I am so excited”.

It’s not the first time I’ve seen her react that way but I think it’s the first time that she had it for something we were going to do together. Heart burst!

Now, there was a point that we were getting a bit messy and I caught myself controlling the situation because I wanted things to be neat and I didn’t want to have to do lots of clean-up. But again, I caught myself and I went back to my goal and my declaration, why am I doing this anyway? It’s for her to feel how much I love her and to live my declaration of I choose Love.

So I stopped controlling and let her be as messy and as happy as she could be, she was pure joy and I am pure joy with her.

I am so lucky that I have Sydney to remind me of my essence and how I should live my life everyday — trusting, joyful, loving, accepting, passionate, and committed to play. ❤️

Unexpected love story

The more obvious change is how you’ve turned our living space to your living space. The living room has a pram across each end, the coffee table has a rocker for centerpiece, there’s a boxed high chair in the kitchen, and colorful clutter — rattles, blankies, milk bottles, small clothes — everywhere. All these at 3 months!

The not so obvious changes are the ones others can only sense and only I can feel.

You’ve changed the meaning of every love song for me.  I hear Betty Who on the radio and ‘I love you always forever’ suddenly isn’t about a boy and a girl but our love story. I am breaking my promise to your dad to only be in love with him because I am hopelessly in love with you (it’s the same for him so it’s ok).

I wake up every morning earlier than I want to cause every extra waking hour is time with you. I don’t bother with my phone as soon as I wake up like I used to. My first thought now is how well you’ve slept and if you feel great today (and then I think of your dad).

Priorities have taken a backseat to you. Work-life balance jumped on top of the list cause I need to be involved in everything you. Yes, we’ll probably be obsessive parents (we’ll try hard not to be) and you’ll complain a lot but you will never be wanting.

I sleep less but sleep much better when you sleep soundly between mum & dad. I’ve memorized your little snores, your dreamin’ smiles, and every grunt.

Your smiles make a big difference between a bad and a great day. I rarely have bad days cause you make everything better. I forget all the trivial problems when I’m reminded of how great God’s love is by looking at you.

Family meant so much more when you arrived… and I can only see my future when it’s connected with your dad and you.

We’ve been on the journey of battling PCOS for almost 2 years now, intermittently on the first year and religiously for the past 4 months. Despite having a number of people understand what we’re going through, there’s still a greater majority that don’t fully grasp the physical, emotional, and psychological impacts of it. There is still little sympathy and a lot more of insensitive comments.

Day 285 is one of those low days. Our doctor recommended we go through artificial insemination through IUI, the procedure isn’t cheap (though nowhere near as expensive as IVF) and it was a bit uncomfortable (not something I would look forward to repeating). Of course, we had high hopes.

That 30 seconds when you realize that you’ve gotten your period is devastating. It makes you fearful of the future, makes you feel like a failure, makes you doubt your value as a wife — it’s something I’ve gone through monthly within the last 6 months and something I go through alone. 30 seconds of utter heartbreak.

But because the world didn’t stop, you pick yourself up and shake it off. You make that phone call to the husband and comfort each other, you trust that he will love you no matter what. You say that short prayer of forgiveness for despairing, of strength to get through another setback, and of faith to keep on believing that your dreams will happen in his perfect time. You go through the normal requirements of your day despite dysmenorrhea reminding you of what you don’t have yet. You keep that smile on your face and silently crave your bedroom so you can cry for a few minutes. You think of how else can you eat healthier or how much more exercise you should pack in your day. Like clockwork, you go back to that doctor’s office and go through it again with as much hope as you can muster.

Black Nights

I am absolutely miserable. No one would probably know how much but me.

Perhaps it wasn’t really a surprise, I was already taking steps for it not to happen but maybe I wasn’t fast enough or urgent enough or sensitive enough. Now that it’s done, there might not even be any benefit of trying to figure out what could have been.

At my core, I am shattered and broken to pieces, to shreds, to tiny grains and specks. Most of the time I keep it together, I smile and laugh and am courageously moving forward.

Yet the night haunts me, it is mostly when I am nearest that I feel most alone.

Day82 of 2015

Talking is not overrated. Do it before sending those emails. It just works much, much better!

Kindness is not overrated. Small gestures of gifts, floating an idea, and eating cake together can built strong relationships.

Measured doses of self-confidence is not overrated. Yes, you can fail but what if you don’t? Just work smart enough and pray harder.


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