Tanong at wala


May mga araw na pinapangrap ko pa rin ung mga dating buhay ko,

mga araw na tulad ng ngaun.

Hindi ko maisip kung paano nagbabago ang takbo ng buhay

Kung sino ba ang gumugulo nito,

sino ang nagdidikta ng mga pagbabago

at kung kelan kelangan simulan ang pagbabago

Naiinis ako…

Gusto kong sumigaw at ilabas lahat ng hindi ko naiintindihan

Gusto kong may bumabang anghel sa harap ko

para sagutin lahat ng di maubos na mga tanong

Sino kaya ang handang magpaliwanag?

Asan ka?

Simulan na nating mag-usap!

Idinadalangin


malamig ang hangin parang nagpapa-alala ng mga bagay na gumugulo sa isip ko. sa ilalim ng ilaw ng mga poste at gusali, sumaglit ka sa isip ko at sa isang maiiksing sandaling lumipas, napagtanto ko ang mga bagay ng pilit kong iniiwasan.

ikaw. ako. mga bagay na di ko kayang sabihin. mga bagay na mananatiling lihim. sa bawat araw na lumilipas, pinipilit kong ipasok ang sarili ko sa mga relasyong walang kabuluhan. iniiwasan ko ang katotohanan na ikaw ang kaisa-isang taong magpapaligaya sa napakalungkot kong buhay.

nagdadasal ako na isang araw mahanap ko ang lakas ng loob na sabihin sau na ikaw ang bumubuo ng bawat araw ko… na ikaw ang naglalagay ng ngiti sa bawat oras na dumadaan…na ikaw ang lakas ko sa hindi siguradong bukas.

nakakalungkot. parang totoo. punong-puno ng emosyon. isang kathang isip. isang panaginip ko.

Isang mahabang paglalakbay


iniwan ko ang buhay ng pitong oras. umiinom kami ng beer ng may nagsabing laguna, nagkatinginan, napa-isip at sabay-sabay na humiyaw “tara!”. Ngayung oras na ito, iiwanan natin lahat ng responsibilidad ng buhay….wala munang bukas, ngayon lang ang mahalaga.

nagsimula lang kami na nagugutom. simple lang ang gusto ni rona—makakainan. pwede sana sa pearl drive o kaya sa mcdo…ewan ko ba kung bakit napunta kami sa el pueblo. hindi nga kami nakakain e, nakainom lang. siguro dahil may pick-up si joms at kasama namin sya nung gabing yun. pwede ring tamad na tamad na kami sa paulit-ulit na buhay. papasok, uuwi, minsan iinom…para pa ring kulang. ewan ko rin talaga…

nagdesisyon na kami. wala ng urungan kahit medyo may pag-aalinlangan…hindi ako ang aangal kasi baka makantyawan akong kill joy. tawagan na ung mga wala, sasakay na tayo. tawag naman ako kay ry, excited na akong umalis! kelangan bilisan ang pagkuha ng gamit at ayoko ng maghintay ng ilang minuto sa tapat ng tele. usap-usap muna sa sasakyan… ang tagal naman nila bumaba. nakaka-inip. sa wakas, ayan na sila pero kulang kami, di daw sasama si ry. pano yun?  meron syang sariling dahilan. ang daming pa sanang tanong pero ilang minuto lang ang inukol…gustong-gusto na naming umalis.

Mabilis ang sasakyan sa edsa. nagdedesisyon pa si mommy deng kung sasama samin o hindi. mahirap ang desisyon, dalawang beses syang nagpalit ng isip. pero kumaliwa din kami sa kamias, mas kelangan sya sa bahay. hindi nya matatakasan ang buhay nya ngayong gabi. may susunod pa naman mommy deng, baka sa sunod na lakad pwede kang tumakas…

Masaya bang umupo sa likod ng pick-up? Mukha silang masayang-masaya pero basa ung likod. Naawa naman kami kaya kelangan kunin ang gamit kanila Maan. Nakakainip maghintay…usap-usap muna ulit. ‘Sa antipolo ba talaga tayo?’ ‘Taga-doon kami e.’ ‘Walang ibang lugar.’ ‘Di tayo pwedeng abutin ng araw sa expressway kaya malabo ang tagaytay.’Alam ko na kung saan tayo sa may breakwater…’ Napatigil. Napangiti. Ang galing mo talaga Polo!!!!

Mabilis pa rin ung sasakyan kahit quezon ave at espana ang binabaybay namin. Nasa taft na, malapit na… kaso wala ng gas, wala pang pagkain. Salamat na lang may naka-isip ng 7-11. Ang tagal na naman natin nahinto. Au, bilisan natin bumili ng kung anu-ano.

Umaandar na ulit…umaandar at naliligaw sa taft. Ung dalawang tao sa harap ng sasakyan, parehong di sanay sa taft. Kelangan na ng tulong. Nagsisigawan ng direksyon. ‘San na tayo pupunta?’ ‘Kanan sa gil puyat!’ ‘San ang gil puyat?’ ‘Putang-ina kanan sabi’ ‘Dito na ba? Sabihin mo kasi kung gil puyat na!’ ‘Kanan!’ ‘Kanan!’ ‘Putang-ina! ihinto nyo. itabi nyo sa gilid…’ Mga limang minuto pa ng sigawan saka namin naintindihan ni joms….

Ayan na si mikee. Memoryado ang taft at roxas blvd, tinuro pa nya ang papuntang malate. At kung saan sya naghintay ng ilang oras dahil sa pag-ibig. Pumasok kami sa parking lot, breakwater daw un. Ang chaka! Hindi yun ang gusto namin puntahan….alis agad. di kami nagkaintindihan. Pero ok lang kahit bente-singko pesos ang parking, paalis na kami…alam namin kung san kami pupunta. Baywalk… baywalk ang tawag dun. Ung sa may roxas blvd.

Ayan na! Nakikita na namin ung mga parol sa poste… dito kami papunta. Nag-park sandali sa gilid pero umaaraw na, dun tayo sa unahan. Inilipat ang sasakyan. Pag-parada..iba ung pakiramdam. Parang iba ang buhay ko ngayong umaga.

Wala daw sunrise dito, sunset lang. sayang…pero maganda pa rin. Ang ganda pala ng dagat. Ang ganda ng langit. Ang sarap ng upo ko. Ice cream at chichirya. Isang tupperware ng bistek. Coke ang iniinom. walang pumansin sa beer. yosi lang. manila bay. Masaya ako. Sila kaya kasing saya ko?

Oktubre 31…Tanaw na tanaw ko ang lahat. Parang sobrang linaw ng mundo. Ang swerte ko pala. Ang sarap ng buhay ko kapag kasama kayo.

Nag-iba ang pananaw ko sa pagdating ng bukang liwayway…

iniwan ko ang buhay ko ng pitong oras…

At sa pagbalik ko pagkatapos ng pitong oras, nagkaroon me ng lakas na harapin ang pitong buwan pang susunod.

Salamat sa alaala ng mahabang joyride….

I can only lie so well


it was exactly one year and 12 hours ago… 365 and a half days ago…
eight thousand seven hundred and seventy two hours ago…

since the night when you came
with nothing but a distracted look on your face.
silly me because i was angry that you were late for dinner
and that you didn’t seem to have bothered getting a present.
silly me because little did i know that was the least of my worries…
that you were planning to shatter my whole world that night.
oh, wait!… that you were not really planning on shattering
but you did anyway…
unintentionally, you say.

it isn’t your fault that you fell out of love
you tried to rationalize that we outgrew each other…
i couldn’t really think but i knew i didn’t outgrow anyone or anything.
but that doesn’t really matter…
you already left before you said you were leaving.

i have tried rewriting my life and i have succeeded up to some level…
i do not cry at nights and the empty feeling comes lesser every day.
i do not talk about you as often as i used to, although you still come up every so often.
but i have made new memories … away and apart from the five years that always
had you painted in every scenario.

i am even possibly in a vague manner in love with someone.
and someone is possibly, vaguely perhaps in love with me.
if you knew, you would have been proud that i am almost over you.
the way you wanted me to be… the way you wished i will be.

it was exactly one year and 12 hours ago… 365 and a half days ago…
eight thousand seven hundred and seventy two hours ago…

The surprise to beat


There are surprises that always makes your bday extra memorable and i have always been blessed by friends and family who make sure that i get an extra wide smile on my bday. Those that made lasting impressions are my fifth bday, i woke up to gifts on the couch (without anyone telling me the gifts were mine, i was already opening them).

There was also my bday during senior year of HS. The class (pi.say98) gave me a cake and sang happy birthday on the school lobby (most of my classmates were CAT officers and they asked the whole COCC to sing for me…hahaha! whattasight it was). On that same bday, my HS barkada surprised me by going to my house with prepared food to throw our own little party.

This year somebody outdid themselves. I celebrated my bday a few days earlier with people from work, they threw a party at a friend’s condo, it was usual with just a little bit of food and tons of alcohol! We were excited for the night but i had to spend the whole day in LTO for my license, we were all sleepy that day because we had to work extra shifts the whole week and the neighbors were all testy because we were soooooooo noisy. We had to leave the place, i asked them to go ahead since i’m helping Maan to clean the place. They kept on texting and calling for us to hurry up (i could not believe this people! i was trying to clean and they were rushing me!!). They were somewhere in the sunken garden and as the taxi was approaching the exact spot where they were, i was moving from disbelief to shock to absolute awe. They picked a spot, laid down the comforter and lit the whole spot with candles. Staring at what they did, i thought of stars on the grass. I wish I had a camera in my hand as I stepped out of the cab. But since I had none, I willed my memory to remember every little bit of the detail. By the time I got to them, they were all singing and holding a partly eaten cake (hahaha! poor people, we left the food at the condo). The first thing I said, “I’m overwhelmed. I spent six years in UP and nobody did anything as breathtaking as this.” I would definitely not look at the sunken garden the same way again. They had confetti too and designed the soccer goal. They gave me wonderful gifts: flowers and pillows!

Earlier that day, Rose apologized for having no flowers since they had no money and no time to prepare for anything (the whole night she was being mean to me!). I texted them and they said they all just woke up but in truth, they just got home from the mall and were cutting crepe paper and all. (damn! i am so in love with you guys!) Rose thought of the wonderful candles (my stars in the ground). I kept all the candles and some of the confetti and put them in a wonderful box, after the flowers wilt they will go to the same box and so will the balloons that Polo gave….i will keep everything for the memories of love and friendship you have proven on my special day.

I had vowed to myslef to do everything to make my bday this year extra special but it was not me who did it…it was Ed, Master Eric, Ry, Erika, Rona, Au, Mikee, Polo, Icio, Karen, Mommy deng, Joma, Dennis, Bullet and his lovely wife Kris, Maan and Rose.This year has more than made up for the year before and all i can say is thank you…

…and all i can hope for is that you feel the happiness that you have given me.

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